Near's Amazingly Dumb Life
by Panda Blast
Summary: Near's weird everyday life with Matt and Mello at Wammy's and their adventures
1. Sitting, and you know, motorcycle gangs

a/n: Hi, I wanted to thank you people who reviewed my Death Note story, Mello's Army of Chocolate Bunnies of Terror. It's the best feeling ever to look at a story you posted just a few days before and see it already had three reviews. So, I decide to take Vampiredoll666's advice and right another like that. So here it is, sorry it's so short, _enjoy._ Characters are ooc.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.

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Near sat there. Near sat there because he could sit, he could sit like a _pro. _ In fact, Near was so good at sitting he had won hundreds of trophies from national sitting tournaments all over the world. But Near couldn't sit right now, not properly, because Mello was staring at him. Mello was staring at him so intensely that Near's head almost caught on fire. This would not do. Near could not practicing sitting in these conditions, so he did the only responsible thing he could. Near whipped his head around and gave Mello the evil eye, which for Near was basically making his right eye huge and getting in Mello's face.

"What the hell you moron!" he yelled, spitting in Near's face. The loud noise of Mello yelling caused Matt to come storming down stairs.

"You messed up my Pokémon, now I have to fight the elite four all over again!" Matt whined as he pulled out a box of cereal, the universal comfort food. He began to pour his motorcycle Os into a large cup when he had an idea. "You guys want to join a motorcycle gang?"

"Hell yeah!" yelled Mello a little too soon.

"Ok." said Near in a blunt tone, surprising everyone who thought he didn't like fun, aka Matt and Mello.

"What I don't wanna be in a mother-" Mello began only to be cut off by Matt.

"Then it's settled!" Matt smiled. This would be like living in a real racing video game

It didn't take long to find the perfect motorcycles, they just charged into the motorcycle shop next door and got down to business. Business man style. The three boys walked in, and the manager screamed, this was going to be a long day. Time for plan b, Wammy's style.

Matt, Mello, and Near quickly drove from the motorcycle shop on their new, _free_, motorcycles. They didn't want the owner to get a good look at their faces. They didn't know how long the sentence for burning down a motorcycle shop was but they didn't want to find out. Roger would kill them already so they didn't need TWO forms of authority on there backs. It hadn't necessarily been their faults anyway, just Mello's. Mello had stomped right in there wearing a ski mask over his face and had starting throwing things and the clerk yelling something about globalization and puppies. Suddenly the fire turned into a full on explosion._ Guess there was oil in there._ Of course, with an epic explosion behind them the boys could do only one thing, drive in slow motion then jump of their vehicles. In slow motion.

Unfortunately they had left the motorcycles on when they jumped off, so they spent the next half our chasing the motorcycles through the woods. After finally catching them, the boys drove them to a gas station, filled their tanks, and then blew up the gas station. But, that time they weren't as sneaky and so soon they were speeding through down town with the cops on their tail.

"I've never felt so alive!" screamed Mello, who had had a few too many chocolate bars that morning.

"Whooo hooooo!" shouted Near who had had a few too many beers at the gas station.

"You'll never take me alive coppers!" screeched Matt. Of course, it was the instant that the boys realized they weren't looking at the road, and crashed into a tree. So after being patted down, interrogated, attacked by kittens, and arrested, the boys were sent to jail for under aged stupidity. So, there Near sat, in his jail cell, with multiple scars from the kittens,and with two morons who were trying to eat a whole though the wall. But it didn't matter, because Near sat like a pro.


	2. Bananas, Luck, and Carjacking

a/n: hi, thanks peeps who reviewed the last chapter, that was my first story my sister didn't look over, you guys are awesome. Characters are still ooc, I hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.

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There Near was, sitting, while his partners in crime screamed for their phone call, which they have already had three times. It was pretty useless really, they didn't have parents, Roger would kill them, and everyone else they knew was dumb, except for one guy, one guy they worshipped, one guy they admired, one guy whose number they didn't know. L.

"We are L's successors!" they screamed again, "it's unlawful to arrest us! L! Save us Riuzaki, save us!" they finished, acting like damsels in distress.

"Shut up!" yelled a guard who then through a banana at them.

"I have an idea!" whisper yelled Mello who was a little bit desperate for escape so he could return to gorging on chocolate, "we use this banana to continue digging a hole through the wall, you now the one we started yesterday!"

"Yeah!" agreed Matt who knew nothing about science because he didn't have a video game about that. The boys then started hitting the wall with the banana.

"Mello you idiot. You can't break through the wall with a banana." Pointed out Near.

"You, you non believer!" cried Mello as he pointed at Near and waited for dramatic background music. After ten minutes of waiting for the non-existent background music to play Mello gave up and began hitting the floor with the banana.

Near then walked to the bars of the cell and asked "Can I have MY phone call now?" the guards then opened the cell and escorted Near to the phone.

Near dialed Roger's number. "Hey, Roger. Matt and Mello kidnapped me and then got arrested for under aged stupidity and I got arrested with them. Also I have been practicing my siting and I would like to know if it is more important to keep your weight even or to-" Roger then cut him off.

"How many times are they gonna get arrested for under aged stupidity? Which jail are you at?" he sighed.

"Oh actually you just need to meet us with your car by the ocean at ten p.m. tomorrow night." Near whispered then, before getting a response, he hung up.

"Where've you been?" asked Mello accusingly when Near returned.

"Calling Roger. He's gonna meet us by the ocean at ten." Whispered Near. The boys stared in shock. "Now as the brains of this operation," Near began.

"Whoa, who made you the brains?" demanded Mello.

"I did, because I am like Einstein to the extreme, and I was the one who called Roger. Anyways here's the plan." Near answered then so that the story would be more interesting, we skipped to the part where the plan goes into action.

"Sir!" Near called to a guard.

"What?" he responded impatiently .

"Well, you see, I'm the reigning national champion of sitting and I wanted your opinion on which way of sitting you think is best." Near answered in a sweet little kid voice. Then before Near could start showing of his skills matt and Mello charged toward the bars with the banana screaming mad cow disease then the guard pulled out his night stick and threw it at them.

"Ow!" moaned Matt who had gotten hit in the nose with the night stick.

"I'll kill you" screamed Mello only to slip on the banana. Then as if by magic the bars of the cell fell on top of the guard.

"Freedom!" yelled the boys in unison. They then ran out of the jail cell and out the jail.

"Take that politics!" screamed Mello who clearly had been lost in the moment. Soon after another time jump brought to you by my lack of plot, the boys were nearing the ocean.

"Ten o' clock, and hears Roger." smiled Near. The boys ran into the car.

"Why the heck were you guys arrested?! How many times are you gonna be arrested?! I mean really!" Roger scolded.

"Shut up Roger." snapped Mello as he pushed Roger out of the car. Then, by the light of the full moon the boys drove off, like a cowboy riding into the sunset. That's deep. Oh yeah.

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So, hope you liked it, please review, unless you're gonna be a meanie butt, then don't.


	3. L's Favorite

a/n: Hello. My life kinda sucks right now so I'll be updating a lot . Thanks guys, you're awesome. Here's chapter three, L is VERY ooc. enjoy.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note.

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It wasn't until they sunk the car that the boys realized England was an island.

"Great! Just flipping great!" yelled Mello as the boys sat around a campfire at the edge of the ocean hoping their car would float back up.

"How about we ride the panda train." smiled Matt who had gone mad without his video games.

"Sure and then peacocks will take over the world." snorted Mello.

"No!" screamed Matt.

"Wait. I have an idea." Near butted in.

"Why do you get to have an idea?!" snapped Mello.

"Because my name's in the title." Grinned Near, if Near can grin. "Anyways, what if we stowed away on a boat or a plane to Japan, and then we could go see L."

"Yeah! Whoo hoo we'll be like Jack Sparrow and the flying Robin Hood from Never land!" squealed Matt.

"What?" asked Mello.

"Well, Jack Sparrow would be-" Matt was then cut off by Near.

"Then it's settled. To the time jump!" Near said dramatically.

One time jump later…..

"Shhh, be quiet!" whispered Near as he try to squeeze further behind luggage on the plane.

"But my Pikachu." Whined Matt like a two year old.

"I'll kill your Pikachu if you don't shut up." Snapped Mello. Matt shut up. so the boys sat there bruiting while the plane slowly waited for clearance to take off. After only six short hours the boys stretched out their legs and prepared to get off the plane. in another nine hours though because the plane was just about to take of when they did so.

Another time jump later….

"Ok according to that weird stalker man over there, L's room is right here." said Near as he pointed to the hotel room door in front of them. Near took a deep breath and slowly reached for the knob. Then after two straight minutes of reaching he grabbed the knob and slowly turned it. It wouldn't turn. Near tried again. And again. Then face palmed. _Locked, duh._ Near then stole a hair clip from Mello's feminine locks. He picked the lock, like a boss. Then just as dramatically as before Near reached for the knob and turned it. Nothing.

"The stupid door is defective!" Mello yelled as he kicked it down.

"Hello Kira." smiled L.

"Oh, um actually we're your heirs." pointed out Near.

"What?! I have been sitting here for three days eating cake and you tell me Kira still hasn't showed up?!" L screamed flipping over a nearby table. The boys stared at him in shock. "Oh. I mean, hello. I was expecting Kira so make it quick."

"Am I your favorite?" asked Near in a hopeful voice.

"Uh…" began L.

"No I'm his favorite because I am freaking ninja!" Yelled Mello.

"No! I'm L's favorite because ounce again my name is in the title! Not to mention it was my idea to come here in the first place!" Near argued. Near and Mello had screaming match for the next half hour until L finally stepped in.

"You know who's my favorite? That guy!" L snapped pointing at Matt, who was now rolling around in the carpet mumbling about Mario. "Now get out!" Screeched L as he pulled out his emergency flame thrower and started trying to barbeque the boys.

The boys then ran out screaming. Then out of all the confusion they found themselves in Germany. That just happened.


	4. When You Drown a Misa in Cheese Cake

a/n: Hello, I said I would update a lot but then my life stopped sucking. But I just looked at all the reviews I got and now I have to update or I will feel bad, so here it is chapter four enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note.

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"Velcome to Germany ya." smiled Mello in an awful German accent.

"We should find a way out here." Said Near as soon as he realized they were in Germany. He had the right to be afraid though, because Germany meant one thing, Hitler jokes, and with all those Hitler jokes they'd be cracking, there was no knowing what would go into Mello's head. Near stood there for a moment imagining Mello sitting on a chocolate throne with fire around him and everyone wearing shirts with kittens on them and trying to learn how to survive in a chocolate world where the only ones who could eat chocolate were Mello, Mello, and most importantly, Mello.

"Are you thinking about kittens Mr. Albino guy?" Yelled an overly peppy and very irritating voice.

"No." Said near whipping his head around to see a blond girl smiling at him like a moron, the perfect example of the stereo type dumb blond. "Who are you anyways?"

"I AM MISA MISA DESTROYER OF CHEESECAKE!" she yelled staring at Near with huge eyes.

"So you like cheese cake?" asked Matt.

"No way! Cheese cake makes you fat, I don't want to be fat! I just hit it with my boom boom stick you idiot!" She snapped in a bratty teenage tone. Matt then ran to Mello crying.

"How doare you make a Matt cry! Prepare to be dead-a-fied!" screamed Mello as he charged towards her. _ Apparently stupidity is contagious._

Then to make matters worse Misa threw a kitten at Mello, soon fallowed by kittens directed at Matt and Near.

"Aaaaah the dreaded beast! Remove this demon from my face!" Screeched Mello as he stumbled around.

_One kitten related kidnapping of Matt Mello and Near later…_

"Welcome!" Said the irritating voice of Misa Misa again as the kittens were removed from the boys faces. They found themselves tied to chairs in a rectangular room, infront of them was a slide show presentation, ready to be played.

"Where the hell are we!" snarled Mello.

"If you let me speak you would know! Sheesh! Anyways welcome to D.U.M.B!" She yelled throwing her arms into the air.

"What's-" Matt began.

"I said let me talk!" Misa screeched. "What is D.U.M.B. you ask? Let me show you!" smiled Misa as the screen showed the letters.

"As you can see D.U.M.B. is an ac- ar-aky-" She whipped out a crumpled up piece of paper and began to sound out the word. "Acrownine!" she said gleefully.

"You mean Acronym." Corrected Near.

"Shut up!" she scowled, "anyways let me tell you what the letters stand for." She said as the screen made the words appear.

"It stands for D-U-M-B!" screamed Matt thinking that actually could've been the right answer.

"I said shut up!" she screamed, "the d stands for Da, as in da champions, u stand for uni-ver-sil" she sounded out, "m stands for mega, and b stands for bubble bunny banana bridge boxes!" she finished.

"You spelt dumb with five bs." Near corrected, again.

"SHUT UP!" screeched Misa, "Now, you may think why am I here? Well that's because I said so! Now here he is, the leader of D.U.M.B, It's Matsuda!" she said motioning toward s a big chair moving towards them.

" Misa! You said I could do my own intro!" whined the man in the seat. He then walked over to a big red button and cried "today sucks we should just release the kittens now!"

"Wait!" screamed Mello. "Near will have a sit off with you! If he wins then you have to disband D.U.M.B and let us go, if he loses then you'll let us go, dance, and disband D.U.M.B!"

"Whoa! We win both ways! Deal!" agreed Matsuda, who was turning out to be a bigger idiot then Misa. An assistant brought over Matsuda's big chair, and the contest began, with Matsuda losing both ways, the boys winning both ways, and Near unable to get up from his chair because he was still tied up.

_One intensely boring day of sitting later….._

"You're mean!" whined Matsuda as he jumped out of his chair.

"We win now good bye forever!" screamed Mello as Matt untied Near and the boys fled.

"And guess what!? I am awesome!" screeched Mello as he pushed a button on a remote controller in his hand once the boys escaped. The building then exploded in thousands of tons of cheesecake.

"The fat! The fat!" screamed Misa as she tried to escape the sugary doom. The boys then bought plane tickets or something and returned to England, but since this is a story and that's boring we'll just say they temporarily became wizards and summoned unicorns that carried them home. Trust me, it's just more realistic that way.

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a/n: weee hoped you liked the chapter I know it was a little crazy, and my grammar and punctuation and the such sucks, but please review!


	5. Fluffy, the Soul Eating HedgeHog

A/n: ok so I felt bad cuz I haven't updated in forever so I decided to write this little piece of crap known as chapter five, but it will be short, because I have writers block.

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Near began to gasp. Like a fish. If fish gasp. Actually I don't think they do. Anyways Near began to gasp because someone had given fluffy, their new hedgehog, a burrito. Now, after being locked in a basement with fluffy for three days, Near was sure Fluffy would be the one to kill him. How did we get from unicorns to hedgehogs gassing it up in a basement you ask? We didn't. now shut up and read.

Fluffy woke up startled by his knew philosophical realization. Fluffy, the as we previously established hedgehog, had realized that he was doomed to have the first letter of his name lower case in introductions forever unless he killed the one who brought him in to this story. Panda Blast. Except he won't because I am the one pulling the strings here. So fluffy would conquer someone else.

"Good morning fluffy." Smiled Near when he woke. He got up combed his hair and then used a tiny comb to gentle comb Fluffy, the ALBINO hedgehog, they exist. "goodbye fluffy." Said near in his classic monotone as he left. But little did he know that, IMPORTANT PLOT POINT IMPORTANT PLOT POINT! And so Fluffy would then, IMPORTANT! PLOT! POINT! And so Fluffy got to work on his diabolical adorable hedgehog plan.

"whoa." Said matt as near entered the room. Near looked up and realized he was looking at his long flowing girly hair.

"oh no! fluffy took my bobby pin!" near shouted in monotone as he ran to his room. But he was too late. As Near swung open the door he found himself facing twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers pipeing, ten lords a leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a milking, seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, five gold rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a dradel and a fluffy. Near looked in horror as the Christmas things, a Hanukah thing, and an angry hedgehog thing ate his soul in a gory, vomit inducing, slightly adorable, display.

"What the hell!" yelled Mello as he and Matt entered the room, only to have their souls devoured too.

Matt Mello and Near stared in horror at the screen as Roger concluded the lecture. "at that is what will happen if you ever get arrested, steal my car, go to Japan, and then Germany, and then return on unicorns again. This concludes your fifth grade health unit, goodbye." Roger stopped and turned to look at the boys again, "and Near. cut your hair you crazy whippersnapper!" he yelled as Near pulled out his bobby pin revealing his gorgeous hair.

But really, we all know that's what they really teach during health.


	6. The Ultimate Sit

a/n: ok well, being an experimental writer the last chapter was REALLY short. And since like ten people read it but I didn't get any reviews I am not going to make things that short from now on. Hooray. I wasn't going to update again anytime soon but I guess I will, so you're WELCOME! Please review.

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Near, being the Near he was, sat there. Just like before he sat. But this time he was not sitting like a pro. No he was not indeed. Instead Near sat like…. An AMATURE! Across the room our favorite sociopath Mello stood munching on chocolate.

"What are you doing?" he sighed when he finished his chocolate bar.

"Trying to perfect my sitting." Near mumbled as he shifted his position. Suddenly Matt entered the room.

"dude, you're getting worse. You're never going to impress L like that, anyways didn't he say I WAS his FAVORITE?" Matt smiled.

"L IS COMING HERE!?" Mello screamed.

"yeah." Answered Matt. Mello then ran upstairs screaming with joy, and began to work on his way to impress L. Five days later, L came to Wammy's, in a fancy limo full of surgery sweets, oh yeah.

"I am here my loyal subjects! Come to me and sacrifice your cupcakes!" L yelled as he entered Wammy's. Mello and Near rushed to L, presenting their buckets of cupcakes, shortly fallowed by Matt, who threw a cupcake at L and sat down.

"now my children, it is time for the rechooseing of number one! So all of you have to give me cupcakes and show me how awesome you are! NOW FIRST UP MELLO!"

Mello walked to the center of the room and pulled out what looked like a bazooka. "now my lord L, you shall have cupcakes!" Mello shrieked as the bazooka began to violently fire a large stream of cupcakes around the room, hitting everyone and everything in sight.

After the room was completely covered in cupcakes it was Near's turn. "I present to you L, the ultimate sit!" smiled Near as he pulled up a chair and sat down. A bright light suddenly shown throughout the room nearly blinding everyone.

"what's happening!" yelled Mello as he was blown against a wall.

"the ultimate sit!" answered L, "the only way to stop it is to sacrifice… a chocolate cupcake!" cried L, shortly fallowed by Mello sobbing as well.

"you're all pathetic." Groaned Matt as he picked up the miniature cupcake he was going to give to L when it was his turn and threw it at Near. Suddenly the light stopped and Near was on the ground holding a golden, glowing, floating piece of cake.

"I present... the ultimate slice of cake." Huffed Near handing the slice to L. L carefully took a bite out of the slice, slowly chewing it, savoring every last crumb.

"wow this is so...so….. actually it's a little dry, and the icing is lacking flavor. Matt wins, see you guys next year." Said L bluntly as he exited the building. Mello and Near stood there jaws dropped. Mello passed out in pure anger and Near fell to his knees crying, in monotone.

Matt exited the room and took a nap. Because that's what you do when the ultimate cake is dry. You nap, while its creator stands there, crushed.


	7. Misa's Revenge Misa vs Bacon

A/n: sorry I haven't updated in forever. But I have an excuse! I didn't feel like it. So here you go. REVIEW DARN IT! I GIVE YOU MONTHS AND YOU PEOPLE STILL DO NOT REVIEW MY LATEST FEW CHAPTERS! Do you really hate me that much? Just kidding I don't care that much. But seriously. Well here you go chapter seven.

Disclaimer: You know I just own the plot of this story, if there is any that is.

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Matt Stood in the door way, dumbfounded. "But we drowned you in… back in…." Matt then fainted like the Matt he is. Misa skipped through the door way "I didn't eat the cake dumdum, Cake makes you fat."

Misa skipped through the buiding, and everywhere she went she left a trail of toxins, cheap perfume and dead brain cells. Then the unthinkable happened. Misa. Spotted. Mello. And. Near. Misa charged at them with brute force ramming into them, making them almost flinch. ( kinda like if a kitten sneezed from a foot away and a little bit of sneeze hit you) when the boys finally noticed her they took cover under tables, well Near did, Mello used Near as a shield. It was lucky they did because at that very moment Better Than Revenge by Taylor Swift began to flay and super stale, hard like they'd been in the freezer for three years, gumdrops began to fall from the ceiling.

"the cheese cake must of given her super natural powers!" shrieked Mello over the noise.

"or she brought stale gumdrops, and a cd." Near suggested bluntly.

"I'm telling you it's super na-" Mello was cut off by Roger screaming and running through the room in a pink poufy dress. "nevermind that makes perfect sense... WHAT THE HELL! Roger shaved his armpits! The apocalypse is coming!" The boys sat there and screamed for a while when Near got an idea.

"release the bacon." He said his face pale with despirationishness.

"no not the bacon!" wailed Mello.

"It's the bacon or the chocolate you choice." Near snapped in monotone.

"Bacon it is!" Yelled Mello as he pulled a nearby lever labeled "Release bacon"

Suddenly a wave of super fatty, delicious transfatty, heart attack inducing, bacon flooded through the room.

"Noooooooo! You're ruining my complextion! I can't eat this it makes you fa-!" a piece of bacon rushed into her mouth. "This is delicious! Oh no! whyyyyyyyy I shall get my revenge! And revenge for this!" she was then engulfed in bacon.

"I hate you." Mello sneered at Near. "indeed." Agreed Near, and then they gorged themselves on bacon.

Late that day…. (haha you thought it was over didn't you?! Probably not huh."

At the ye old abandoned school for morons…..

"I shall rebuild you Misa. Selfisher. Greedier. Funner…." Matsuda said dramatically.

"I'm over here you dumbdumb!" screeched misa from across the room.

At the same time at wammy's….

"I shall rebuild you Matt, um…. Mattier… Mattier… and….. um…." Mello said.

"Mello. I'm right next to you. That's a giant piece of bacon wearing a wig."

"oh."

BAHM BAHM BAAAAAHHHHHHMMMM!


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